The Inevitable Shit Show: Remaking To Kill a Mockingbird

To Kill a Mockingbird Nightmare  Edition

In The Innevitable Shit Show series, I imagine just how terribly Hollywood will destroy our favorite cinematic institutions.

So Harper Lee apparently has a sequel to the classic story of race and prejudice To Kill a Mockingbird. According to the BBC, she wrote it 60 years ago, and has only just rediscovered the work. Of course, this is gaining a lot of attention and many people are anxiously awaiting the July 2015 release date. I, however, can’t stay focused on the good news, which is the release of what will hopefully be another incredible addition to American literature. Instead, I’m harping on the fact that the attention this whole episode pulls in will undoubtedly result in the remake of the movie To Kill a Mockingbird, and subsequently send me into a dark, dark spiral where I lose faith in Hollywood, America, and justice itself. Here are my predictions:

to kill a mockingbird movie posterMatthew McConaughey will be Atticus Finch because some group of Americans somewhere actually takes the dude seriously and it’s starting to get out of control. Don’t get me wrong, I love pretty much everything he’s in, but every time he launched off on some nihilistic monologue in True Detective I laughed out loud. I really think he’s our generation’s Christopher Walken. In ten years EVERYONE will have a McConaughey impression and he’ll gradually just start to become a caricature of himself. AND IT WILL BE AWESOME.

Scout’s a tougher call. She’s a precocious Tomboy with a sense of right and wrong that only a child’s innocence can allow. Sure, the director could roll the dice on an unknown – but that’s not how Wes Anderson does it. BOOM choke on that bombshell! This timeless tale of racial injustice will be told by the whitest dude you know! So who gets cast as the young girl? You guessed it – Toby fucking Maguire and he will crush it. We’re talking best actor 2017 nods for sure.

Jim Gaffigan will play Dill – hear me out. Dill was based on Lee’s childhood friend Truman Capote. Capote was played by the inimitable Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Rest in Peace) and you’re blind if you don’t see the resemblance between PSH and funny man Jim Gaffigan. Done deal.

There’s a lot of buzz around who will be cast as Tom Robinson. I have my own beliefs, but most believe that Samuel L. Jackson will launch his Jacksonasaunce in 2016 and nail the role as the much younger Robinson. This would also allow for a lot of savings on production as they’d be able to re-use footage from the amazing pre-True Detective era work, A Time to Kill.

Despite those rumors, I believe Tom Robinson will be played by Robert Downey Jr. in black face because we as a society can no longer distinguish the line between comedy and not comedy as evidenced by – FLAT CIRCLE – Matthew McConauhey’s ridiculous Lincoln commercials. Sitting on a mountain top at sunset pondering your life choices? Seriously?

Those are my predictions for how the yet -to-be-announced movie remake of To Kill a Mockingbird will ruin my life. Think they’re way off? Comment below or find me on Twitter, Google Plus, Tumblr or any of the other amazing shit-talking venues available to us and tell me what you think. Who would you cast in a remake? When will we see the Jacksonasaunce?