8 Reasons It’s Absolutely Time to Start Panicking

8 Reasons it's Absolutely Time to Start


I’m a huge proponent of keeping positive. I’m also a huge proponent of keeping it real and not going easy on yourself just because you had a long week. Recently I’ve been seeing these articles about how “You’re doing better than you think you are” and it really got me thinking. Sure you’re doing better than you think you are if you focus on the fact that, just by having the means to read this article, your standard of living is higher than most people on this planet, but that’s setting the bar pretty low, don’t you think?

If you break down your life using more meaningful terms, some would say, more “honest” terms, you’ll likely see that it’s actually time to start panicking; and if you really want to get real, you’re certain to come to the conclusion that the time to start panicking was years ago and you’ve only drifted further into the abyss. Don’t believe me? Here’s just a few reasons why you should be panicking about your dead-end life RIGHT NOW:

1. Your mom’s friend’s son just got a promotion

Your mom just gave you the news that Steve is now VP at his firm! This makes him so much more successful than you on so many levels! For one, his place of work is referred to as a firm, which pretty much means you work at Chuck E. Cheese. Second, VP? Wow. Mom sounded so proud when she told you that. That’s because she understands your worth is directly tied to the conflated importance we place on titles and salaries. At this point, you should probably start re-evaluating why you chose your degree even though there’s absolutely no way you could afford to go back and study anything else!

2. You’re going to more than one wedding this year

All of your friends are positive they found happiness for the rest of their lives! I mean four weddings! That’s quite the year you’ve got coming up! Between clothes, gifts, travel, bachelor/bachelorette parties, Jack and Jills, bridal showers, and all the other finely oiled cogs of the wedding industrial complex, you’ll hardly have the time or the money to find a decent mate of your own, further reducing your own chances of happiness. Sure, statistically half of those weddings will end in a divorce, but for now it’s obvious that your friends are perfect for each other and they’re making an amazing decision. Too bad you couldn’t get over your own vain insecurities for long enough to let somebody get to know you. Oh well!

3. The ugly dude from high school is having a baby

That dude is having a kid? That implies a couple things that are, if you’re honest with yourself, completely devastating. For one, despite his obvious aesthetic handicap, he seems to be in a stable relationship with a stable partner. What’s your excuse? Second, he’s completing the final step in his metamorphosis into adulthood. While you’re wasting your time in life’s larval stage of life, wriggling around the forest floor trying to stuff your face with rich nutrients, he’s developed a fully formed thorax and mighty wings that have attracted fertile females from miles around. He will be dead in two weeks, having completed the cycle of life you’re unlikely to realize in its entirety.

4. You no longer have the same dreams you did in college

Remember when you read On the Road, or Sidartha, or watched Garden State or listened to Bright Eyes, and you’d lay awake at night sure you’d be a writer or a director or a musician or a world traveller or the captain of you own ship going wherever the wind would take you? Remember how then you grew up and realized there are so many other things that make you happy, and that being near your family and establishing roots with the people who actually understand you doesn’t mean you’re too much of a coward to hit the open road, it just means you’re finally placing value on the things that are really important to you? What the fuck is that all about, coward?

5. Your significant other hasn’t texted you all day

That’s likely because they’re cheating on you as we speak. Remember when he or she was telling you about his or her day and they dropped that name that didn’t sound familiar to you? Jesse, or something, right? They’ve probably been avoiding bringing that particular co-worker up because they’re worried you’ll see the faint glimmer of passion in their eyes when the name hits their lips. Too bad they got stuck in the elevator this morning after a stressful meeting that only further strengthened a bond they form literally every week when they spend about twice as much time together as with you. I’m sure once their sweaty palms dry off enough to operate a phone again they’ll send you a cute emoji.

6. Nobody has re-tweeted your hilarious quip about the Kanye West

There’s no way anybody else thought that about Yeezy. The problem is, you haven’t spent enough of your time building your brand to reach a large enough audience for that kind of humor. At this rate, it’s unlikely any of your priceless quips will get the appreciation they deserve. In the future, as a PHD student digs through the Twitter archives for his dissertation on populous humor in the information age, maybe he’ll come across your various witticisms and submit them to the Smithsonian where they belong. A posthumous Mark Twain Award is the best you can hope for at this point.

7. You’re not elated to go to work every single day

Remember how everyone told you to follow your dreams? It’s not because they were spouting a bunch of bullshit at you during the most formative years of your life, it’s because they were right. That’s why every single teacher had the opportunity to tell you that – because they were following their dreams of shaping young minds and they wanted to see you follow your dreams too! That, or they dreamed of something WAY cooler and they were warning you that if you don’t follow your dreams, you too could wind up preaching drivel to a bunch of ungrateful young suburbanites. Either way, you lost track of all that at some point and started pushing pencils at a menial office position. Sure you have the expendable income to develop rewarding hobbies and have the mental stability to forge lasting relationships, but because you’re not totally passionate about your work, your life no longer holds the promise for meaning. Good luck keeping back the tears of regret as you brainwash your own spawn with the same half-hearted appeal!

8. There’s no way you’ll ever walk on the moon, or probably even make it into Space

Every day that goes by where Richard Branson doesn’t launch a fat civilian into space is one day further from reality for your only meaningful childhood dream of going to the moon. At this point, you’ll be lucky to experience even a few moments of weightlessness aboard an overcrowded tourist trap that will likely let you down in every way. Honestly, by the time you can afford space tourism it will essentially be a carnival ride, ran by doped-up ex-cons who have very little to lose if they forgot to tighten a bolt here or there. If you had studied harder in the fifth grade you would have never received such low marks in math and you may have stuck with your original plan to become an astronaut. Guess you’ll just have to keep looking up at the sky with childlike wonder for he rest of your live like some average sap.

So there you have it; eight perfectly good reasons to start panicking right now. No more of this self-congratulatory crap that gives our generation such a bad name. Now go out there and find a good prescription to a mind-numbing drug so you can live out the rest of your days in blissful complacency!